How to fail at hiking (i.e. The Colca Canyon)

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Step 1.

Go on your hiking trip with absolutely no knowledge of the length or difficulty of the hike, and with totally inappropriate clothing that will give you blisters that will make you question your very humanity.

Step 2.

Be a massive hypochondriac, but totally forget that altitude sickness is a thing. Proceed to get horrendously sick from the altitude on the bus trip.

Pretending to be thrilled at the thought of hiking for the next 7 hours...

Pretending to be thrilled at the thought of hiking for the next 7 hours…

Step 3.

Begin 3 hour hike downhill (of the 7 hours total for the day). Continue to get new levels of altitude sickness (ha) and nearly pass out/vomit every ten steps. Fall over from dizziness/lack of ability to be a functioning human and badly hurt knees, so that you are in enormous pain for the rest of the hike and have to walk like a pregnant duck down the rest of the mountain.

Step 4.

Become so grumpy with your failure of a body that you refuse to let your wonderful friends help you. When they want to carry you down the remaining bit of the mountain, get super angry and tell them go leave you behind in a super melodramatic show similar to that of a sleepy 2-yr-old. When they refuse to leave you, show absolutely no appreciation.

The viuuuuuusssss

The viuuuuuusssss

Step 5.

Take note of the wonderful views (viiuuuuussss). You are in such a beautiful place. Isn’t nature wonderful?

Do not let this improve you mood. Continue to imitate sleepy/hungry 2-yr-old.

Our home for the night, right at the bloody bottom there

Our home for the night, right at the bloody bottom there

Our night in the Colca Cnayon

Our night in the Colca Cnayon

Step 6.

Decide for your sake and everyone else’s that you will skip the hike on the second day and take a lovely ride up the mountain on a friendly neighbourhood mule.

Nearly die because said mule gets scared by in insane running hiker with crazy swinging walking poles and flees in terror, nearly taking you off the edge of the mountain but instead flinging you onto the path in a most graceful display.

Proceed to dust yourself off and complete mule-ride with torn pants and hurt pride, because you even fail at failing to hike.

My friendly but far-too-scaredy mule ride

My friendly but far-too-scaredy mule ride

Mule ride complete with steep drop

Mule ride complete with steep drop

*The Colca Canyon is a beautiful place to visit, and the second deepest canyon in the world (falling short by only 84 metres to the Cotahuasi Canyon, also in Peru). If you are lucky enough to visit, it is beautiful, but if you feel the same way about hiking as me you can always do a tour by bus 😉

Relieved and slightly delirious at the end of the hike

Relieved and slightly delirious at the end of the hike

Some have cats or dogs, others have falcons and llamas

Some have cats or dogs, others have falcons and llamas

The end of the Colca trip takes you through the beautiful town of Chivay

The end of the Colca trip takes you through the beautiful town of Chivay

 

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